Slice, the blood dripping off my fingers in sync with the tear rolling down my face. Slice, another incision, this one deeper than the last. The pain inside me lessened. Slice, memories started to flash before my eyes. Pop, the pill bottle opened. Gulp. the world, the pain, and my life faded from existence.
It has been two years since my last suicide attempt. I have twenty-four visible scars, as well as countless emotional scars. I have been to a psych ward twice. I have been in counseling since I was in seventh grade. So to say no one tried to help me would be false. To say no one cared would also be false. To say I did not want help, and that I did not care would be true. I wanted to die, no, I needed to die. I was a waste of space and only caused problems. The only way I and everyone could be happy was if I were dead. I could not handle the pain anymore, the only release I had was on the edge of a razor blade, and that somehow was wrong. The one thing that made me feel better was somehow making things worse. The faces of those who seen my cuts would make me hate myself even more. I was sick, but not in the sense of, if I took an antibiotic I would be cured. Oh, how I wished it would be that easy.
Five years is how long it took me to care about my life. I look back and wish the me now could go back and tell myself, "Jena, none of this matters. You are loved and your mother would die inside if something happened to you. The scars will never go away but it is evidence of your survival. When people see your scars, yes they will judge you, but if they actually care to take notice they will see they are fading, that you were stronger than that need for release. Yes, you need to go to counseling and stay on your medication. Yes it will be hard, and you will possibly have relapses. I am not going to say it was easy because it was not. I cannot say that it gets better, because it did not, I did. It was me that decided to make it better. I cannot lie to you and say that I do not think about how easy it would be to just end my life. But I also think about how easy it would be for my mother, brothers and sisters, friends, Pat, and my teachers to get over my death? Would they think it was their fault? Would that cause one of them to follow the same path? Taking my life would be easiest, but I have never been the one to take the easy road, so I guess that is why I am still alive today. All I can really tell you is; you have to look inside yourself and find a reason to stay strong, whether it is for something you love or for yourself. Because what I have found out is that ultimately I saved myself. And you can too"
Thank you for sharing such an intimate topic with us, Jena. I enjoyed the visuals that you created with your words and that the realities of your situation made it have even more of an impact. The constant battle that you had to fight with yourself about your self-worth is a battle that too many people go through on a daily basis and I believe that is they read your blog they could find the reason or courage to do what you have done to make life better. Your experiences create a reality that not many people can relate to but reading it from your perspective made me realize the troubles that you were going through and that I in turn need to take peoples struggles into account when I know them personally. You became a very strong person and I am very glad to be a part of your life.
ReplyDeleteThis was a very heavy topic to pick to write on. I'm glad that you feel like you can openly discuss this with your peers. I understand that this was a very hard time in your life and too many people go through things very similar each and ever day. Many people struggle with mental illnesses, it's something that is real and that is out there and affects tons of people. It is so important to put stories like this out there and to spread awareness of these things. There could be people out there that needed to hear stories like this. This is a very tough thing to go through, and it shows just how strong you are, Jena!
ReplyDeleteCan I start by saying thank you? Thank you for not "offing" yourself. I haven't had many classes with you in high school, but the couple we did have together were fun. You're an amazing, talented person. I envy your singing voice. You’re also so funny. I still think of you when you lived in Sun Valley, when you had your long puffy hair.
ReplyDeleteEven though this post has a somber theme, I see it as a motivational post. I see this post as a guide to keep pushing through, to push through the ups and the downs. I am glad that you shared this story, and I’m glad that you are caring about your life, because, even though we don’t see each other much, I do care about you.
Keep rocking on, Jena!
(If you’re still Fusion... but if you aren’t, still)
I'm sorry you had to go through that and maybe still are Jenna! You are an exceptional human being and I'm not just saying that. I promise it's not a pity comment. It takes guts to post something like that. I'm also sorry that people judge others for that. I don't understand those people. I promise there are more people that will see your scars and love you and want to help you than the people that will judge you. They are just harder to find. I know of so many people that think highly of you even if you yourself don't know it. Thank you for your perspective of healing. Many people need that.
ReplyDelete